I know that something is up with her. I fear that by giving her the green light, i'm indirectly shooting myself in the foot. Most people would just scold me for lettin her go out with the guy but really, i have no cause to stop her from doing so if she keeps maintainin that it's just to catch up with a friend. BUt deep down, I feel it's more than tt. What with her nick being "I can't be with you and I dno what to do", among many others for the past week with such thot provoking thoughts. Am I really to sensitive? Or should I ignore what I think are signs and end up being the fool once again? Twice? Am I inviting trouble? Letting someone else into my house for dinner (as she puts it). Are these fears of mine just imaginary? A bit part of me believes in it while another part

True, she's always returned and I know I should be thankful for that, but as discussed, really for what? A fear of the unknown? I guess maybe, all it takes is for one of us to find someone better to replace, to make the transition easier. With the hope of a new love, the pain of losing one would be easier. Am I sore tt she beat me to it? I really wonder, with all the problems we have, how is it we are able to still stay on. Love? Are these problems a test? It's funny how sometimes I think that we can plough through it all but yet sometimes, time like these, I wonder how it is a wonder that we're still together.

I always questioned myself, that if I didn't jump the gun and stuck wif YL, would it have been better for the r/s? Would we have lasted anyway? I wondered did I do the wrong thing. Was I too sensitive and that there really wasn't anything there in the first place? And that things would've carried on anyway if only I didn't jump it? But her reply to my qs was answer enough to my doubts really. BUt maybe if I had held on, she would have decided on me and if only I had held on. And in the case of A, maybe if I hold on, I'd know that she would return or that it wasn't really anything at all. But what if she doesn't. Was that the reason I left YL? Because I'd rather it be my own hand to deal the blow? I had thought it noble and the right thing to do? Was it cos I just didn't wanna wait for the unknown and do the one thing I knew would have a definite outcome and that I wouldn't be left wondering, is it me, is it not me?

I don't know. I'm in such a loss.