Have you ever wanted someone, something
So badly, that it's your everything.
But you know deep down that it's not to be
simply because it's an impossibility.


Nvm. I tried lah. Let's just write it proper. Have you ever wanted something that you knew was something u got to have and that it would constitute as the best thing in your life and despite the years, this hasn't been far from your mind just not available and now that it is, it's impossible. And it amazes you that despite the time, feelings haven't really changed. Paths which weren't open before r now slowly openin up but yet you're still uncertain. You don't want to ruin what might be your only chance.

But reality hits and you realise that it's impossible simply because circumstances might not allow it. And suddenly, you feel that your life is a tragic love story that you so often see in the cinemas.

I realise that I am handicapped in many aspects in a relationship at times. And in that sense, A's pulled down by my inadequacies. I'm not talkin so much as insecurity of myself, i'm talkin about the practicality of things. She's workin, i'm studying. I'm still startin out while she's already got a pretty much fixed in come for the next few years. So that in itself is retrictive of her. And in that sense, I can't really get into a relationship so soon either (assumin this doesn't work out) cos i'l still be fallin behind my female peers. So technically, i'm screwed in the girls department cos people r either workin or too young in my eyes for now. And even if i do establish myself, there's gonna be a prob cos I want to ultimately go overseas for exposure and tt's gonna throw a wrench into my current (as transparent as it looks now) or future one. And in having that knowledge, it's very difficult for me to consider even a potential without being fair to her (studying or working).

(funny how the tone changes in 1 paragraph)

I think to myself (happens often somehow) that there's no way anyone's gonna be willin to go through that with me, the possiblity of me going away. And i've always presented that as a possiblity when with A. And now, that might prevent me from even startin anything. But somehow, if I don't, I feel that if a chance, a possiblity ever arises, the moment might be lost if missed. in that sense, i'm sad that i'm screwed in this aspect and sad that my current's somewhat screwed as well, l;east on the way there anyway.

Just feels like I'm losing a lot in this short span of time. I don't wanna be like before... I hope I have the strength to tide me through all this.