"This isn't the first time, won't be the last time, I surrendered my soul cos u're always, keeping me waiting, enticipating, the day we find love once again."

Was trying to find a samurai x song and dug up the old songs from the past. Peeps remember who sang this song? :) Kinda the songs I listened to in camp cos then, I had my music then now gotta restart cos my coms died halfway along the way. Cry sia.

Anyway, in school yesterday and someone's reaction kinda really shocked me about something. I realise that when shit comes, the normal reaction one does is to quickly think of a way to make it seem tt it isn't our fault or responsibility. Often i catch myself doing it. Like the last shoot, I wanted to say it wasn't entirely my fault for the bad sound due to the rush in shooting, n the ill preparedness which led to that and also, me doing sound by default. But, somehow, no matter how true these matters are, it was still my responsiblity to ensure things dun screw up so in that sense, I can't really argue much even tho I wasn't exactly pleased tt it was deemed my fault. But but but... in all fairness, my groupd didn't actively blamed me and downplay me or anything so in that sense, it wasn't that bad. (great, my itune just hung)

Anyway, what got me to think about this suddenly was an incident I witnessed. 2 people, person A and person B.

Person A:Eh, wad did you do to it.
Person B: Hah? What?
Perosn A: How come got something...
Person B: I never, I didn't do anything...

Was kinda fast in denying before finding out and thinkin of a remedy. I mean, at least assume some responsiblity. In all fairness, at least person b at the end of the incident still offered to get another box. But, the initially reaction just shocked me at the speed of denial. And now when I think about it, I realise tt we're all quick to shift blame to someone before it hits us and never focus so much on finding a solution to the problem. Most of the time, we spend so much energy trying to figure out who's the one at fault and what not.

Another note made me reflect something about myself. An incident about me not sending people back made me think and now when I think about it, hmmm... i don't have an obligation do i? Cos 2 classmates of mine gripped about how I did not send them back and one of them, apparantly I had agreed and it's funny how fast people form perceptions about you. Amazingly, the incident happened so long ago yet it's still freshly remembered.

Incident 1 (millions of yrs ago): Apparanly I had ran off when she had called out to me and rushed into my car and drove off. Thing is, does that sound like me? Even if I would not send you home, I would at least explain why or flatly tell you no but somehow, it was perceived otherwise. And strangely enough, I can't imagine why I would have said yes in the first place cos the destionation is so ungodly far. I did however recall sending someone near home tt night cos I had to pop by amy's place for something. In any case, go figure.

Incident 2 (2 months ago): I kinda didn't offer to send one to the other end of the world even tho it was late in the night. I guess, for me, I would rather lend you the cash to take a cab home then send you home. I think the problem lies in when one has transport, one would automatically send them home. And I think to myself now and realise, the fault doesn't lie in me but the assumption that there's a free ride. Besides, I now make it a point and known fact that I only send someone home when it's on my way. or in my weird sense, i find it nearby.

I think at the end of the day, people (I realise the younger people) don't realise value of something and more often, the value of money. Now, what I say next might lable me as being money minded or a miser and maybe I am but at the end of the day, I do noe that I have someone's best interest at heart. Lemme tell another story.

Sometime in my teenagehood, I found out that music artiste got very little money from record sales and basically earned based on volume. I told my mom tt and tt I was helping them and was sorta helping a cause. Of course, my mom being typically mom in response to a boy's meaningless increase in expenditure told me sternly , " wait till you earn your own money then you support". I guess she didn't want me to spend unnecessarily. But strangely enough, that statement sorta stuck til now.

When I grew up and went to the army, obviously allowance wasn't really needed so it was kinda weird to get money again when I was out esp when I was in my 20s. I had wanted to work but my brother kinda advised against it. His reason was that it's not as if they couldn't support me. So with that, I got their blessing not needing to work. My mom was nice about things and said to ask money from her if needed. That would require me to get money from her often so i todl her, why not just give me a monthly allowance then I can manage my own accounts, like in the army. In any case, I still felt bad getting money from my mom.

At the end of the day, I kinda formed a habit not to anyhow spend cos at the end of the day, the money I was spending was somehow ultimately my parents'. Also, to me, every cent I spent unnecessarily was a cent further from my future. To add on to how I am, I cultivated a thinking that to spend on myself unneccesarily is bad enough but to spend on others is kinda worse cos it's indirectly my parents' money (yes, I think pretty far) and somehow, it just doesn't seem right.

Now, with all that in mind, if I spent on someone else or sent someone home, it inconveniences me, and also, it sorta adds on to my parents' expenditure which when one thinks about logically, is not right. I mean, these things add up. Also, I try to have the habit not to buy drinks to save cash. And if a bozo comes to ask me for a few cents to buy a drink or a snack from the machine or co-op, isn't it dumb that I'm sacrificin for the dodo to treat himself? Along tt line, I try not to accept treats so that I don't feel obligated or owe this person.

With all i said above, it's true, I may not be very poor. I live in a condo, i have a family car, how bad can my life be? It isn't. But at the end of the day, as my mom says, until I earn my own money cos now, it's still ain't my money.

However, as to all things, there are exceptions to what I've said. My close circle will always have exclusions to the above rule cos these are the people who without a blink of an eye, pay for a meal or lend a helping hand. If we could, we would even lend a couple of hundreds knowing it would come back. It's that kinda trust and friendship which years have cultivated. I have no qualms in treating them. Of cos, for a reason lah. Not happy happy, come, i treat you all to genghis khan, else, you'll see me borrowing money to no end. I guess, trust is the key.

Somehow, I don't expect most of the younger people in my school to understand all this. Not saying all won't but most wouldn't. They still don't understand the value of money.
-------------------------------------------
On a different note, went to school today for a short meeting then went loc hunting then tt's it. HOme around 5ish and been kinda slacking somehow. Should be doing work soon. Do take care all and I'll see you guys around hopefully very soon. Take care all and stay sane. Good luck with your work and studies.