On the 19th OF SEPTEMBER

"I want to be left alone. I find that things are much better when I'm alone". That's wad she said. And I wonder to myself what she meant by that and I took it as the worse that could happen. I wonder to myself if it was anything i did. I questioned myself if there was anything I could have done different. Could I have cared for her more? Could I have given her more? And I don't I really could. And In some sense, I dun think I blame her for expecting me to if she does. For the past periods, I've been very busy with school work and I have not been able to attend to her. Could you have blamed me for it, mayb, mayb not.

For the past week, she's been acting strange and weird ever since that incident at my place. Since then, things have not been normal. I've been pissed with her, then she distanced herself from me. From her blog, there were signs of stress on her side and indication of a lack of trust with regards to me. From my conversation with her today, I deduced that something happened last week in school and I was not around to help her attend to it. And if I was, she might not have turned to me. And this case, i've failed in my role as a bf haven't i?

From the time she stopped confiding in me in her troubles, something is seriously wrong with where we were going. I guess, in some sense, she found no point in confiding in me cos I would always make it seem that things weren't tt bad and in some sense, mayb I can't really say for sure cept imagine how I would react in the situations which somehow makes her seem illogical or impulsive or even silly. Could the whole situation be caused by me? I seriously dunno. I dun wanna point fingers nor do I wanna start barating myself for godness what that would do.

And if things were really sparked by my work then mayb we both might have a problem. She doesn't understand my commitments and i don't of hers. It's funny, Yanling mentioned that I should talk to Amy about things and somehow, i just couldn't get abt it. She was ok initially in our conversation but her toned changed when I mentioned that i dunno which part of the weekend I was going to be free as i might need to help out the other groups for their shoot but i told her, I wont give more than I should. And from then, she went into her 'dun feel like talkin' mode and I really didn't know what to do with that. She goes abt how no point for her to talk cos at the end of the day, nothing happens and all she gets is just people patronising her. Mayb it was in reference to me, or mayb it's school. But I can't help but feel that it might be me.

It's strange somehow that I was saddened by the possiblity of not having her part of my life cos I really loved her company. And when I think about the times and how not having anymore kinda makes me sad about not havin her. Questions run in my head about how else I could've done things and I really don't know how. Not without losing abit of myself. Does it mean, that one has to lose a part of one's self in order to allow someone else to enter?

In my prev relationship, I think I gave too much so much so to the extent I didn't focus on myself and in some way, that affected the future. My n her future if there was ever one. I didn't study hard enough and I was distracted. It wasn't her fault and on my part, I hadn't been responsible to myself. Could I have been to responsible to myself this time round that I had no regard for amy? How does one gauge?

I guess I would get over things in due time but of cos, echoes will carry with them some emotion and that is something I will try to allow it to pass faster as time goes.

Of cos, all in all, i could've over-reacted and she just wanted time alone to sort things out but then again, i dun think i could've gotten it wrong cos she distinctively said that things were much easier if she was alone. I don't think there was any other way to read it.

"I wanna to be alone" :'(

"Could I have done something more
to reduce this sore?

Could I have given and cared more
and I dun think I could have?

Could I have showed more care
and laid myself too bare?

Who was to blame, who could have done it?
Who could have done more to prevent it?

I don't have the answers,
I'm just down under,

no idea how this blunder
occured between me and her.

I dunno when I will know,
I dunno if I ever will know.

All I can do is wait and allow time to pass
and wonder how long these thoughts will last.

Could I have given more?
Could I have cared more?
Could I have loved more?"
-Written by Elwin Goh
12:40am 20 Sept 2004

if all she says is wad i think it is, then the date for me to remember is 19th of September,