I want my dreams. I wish to work harder for it.

I don't think I'm doing enough for it. I'm too distracted by too many things around as it is.

I very unsure by how much potential my r/s is. But I guess that shouldn't be any surprise seeing how much of a see-saw it is. It's a no wonder 'jack' would even find it amazing if me and Y can even last til before I leave for overseas.

Words really are words. And really can be rescinded so easily. Just today, she had said that she doesn't really like to interact, or entertain. And she realises that after we bumped into one of the talents tt I had crewed with. And in the award winning letter she wrote to me that she realised that sometimes, she has to entertain. I guess this isn't one of these times. But it's just disheartening to hear her say that. It's no biggy cos it's not like she was any big part of my life -the talent i mean. And to be fair to Y, I guess somethings take time and it's a matter of how much confidence I have that things will eventually change for the better.

It's decided that I should never mention the 2 "names that cannot be mentioned". She says without a blink or room for negotiation that she would never be comfortable with the two of them. Faced with such a direct and blunt statement, what room is there for me to debate. To push it would just jeopardise the r/s. Tho right now, I'm feeling that keeping quiet isn't doing much good for it either. Open r/s indeed. Fuck. I'm just gonna fucking keep everything from her. If she ever finds out, I'll just say that sorry, but it's just you couldn't deal and it's really not my fault.

I'm at a point where the r/s isn't the utmost of my concern. And should it falter or disintegrate, so be it. I really got bigger things to worry about. Much as I want to have one, I really want to expand myself and lately, I'm begining to wonder whether that having Y around would hold me back. I find myself restricted.

As much as an angle she is to me. And as fantasy-liked I would like to see the r/s with her being my beacon, my light, somehow, lately, that hasn't been helping me much. But I'm not faulting her cos motivation should come from within I feel.

And lately I'm questioning my own credibility as a person.This is after I was telling a friend about how she should re-make herself to what she thinks would be ideal as a person. And I was thinkin earlier how I am so not what I want myself to be. Years ago, I was pushing myself to be desireable as a person and also in appearance and internally. Nowadays, I've slacked. I've settled into a comfort zone and it's causing me to slack. I need to keep to my own resolutions.

Today was a kinda cold day between me n Y. I dunno y. I just didn't feel any passion or anything. Just went out with her, went through the hum dum of an outing. Somehow, the back of my head is still thinkin about how unresolved the whole "the names that can't be mentioned" is. Somehow, I feel uneasy letting it sit like that when it's not fully resolved. That or I can't sit easy with how it's resolved.

I've also been accused of thinkin too highly of myself. Is that so? Cos I sure think I make a better and easier partner than she does. And also, I think I'm kool enough of a bf. I give her the freedom she desires which weirdly enough, doesn't seem to be a lot. She seems to have a small circle of friends. And funnily enough, it's not like I got a big one but just that, I like to go out with different groups but feel the pressure from her NOT to somehow.

I sometimes wonder what was it that caused me to strike out with X. And I realised that maybe it's my lack of drive and push as a person. It's a form of weakness and a form of unrealiability and she, or maybe I should even go as far as saying people like her, desires stability and prob at a higher level seeing how competent they already are. I need to get back to being an alpha male. Right now, I'm probably scum. I'm too much of a loafer. Not helping that Y is having a break now.

Anyway, right now, the r/s is in fizzles. SO long as the shit keeps flying everywhere, I dunno how hopeful I can stay. I guess I can't expect an overnight change but like I said, the shit flying man. Tech, there shouldn't be the shit at all. It's stupid and silly. Damn women.