It's funny always. Our timings. Never seem to be able to sync up to each other. When one of us steps up, the other steps down. I suddenly remember how fragile being in love makes me.

After some talks, I took up the thought that maybe things aren't really all that bad with amy and the things I'm griping about are really not a big a deal. And my issues with her, are really minor, unworthy of reasons to break off. I started to realise and see the nicer things about her and how wonderful she could be in my life.

I wanted a change. Or an improvement rather. I wanted her to be her old self again. The one I fell in love with in the early stages. I wanted that carefree soul I knew. The bubbly persona. Not the brooding insecure shell that surfaces ever so often. Maybe then, we'd reconnect and I'd remember what it was.

I remember why I was afraid, or resistent to being too attached to a love. I realised the importance for me to remind myself to be independant, strong, self reliant and confident. Even if it's at the expense of being cocky and arrogant.

For the past 2-3 days, I tried very hard to remember and see her for what she was. I tried to actually picture coming back to her (despite questions if i would ever stray when i'm overseas, if at all). I feel somewhat more willing to hold out to return to her. And strangely enough, I unknowingly let my guard down. I think I became more giving. I actually held on to more hope that I would eventually see the old her, the one I knew and one day, the bad demons in her would just go away. I held on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, if I supported her enough, that might happen one day. And if I motivated her enough to work towards that, it might happen.

Hope has a funny way of softening me up. Makes me stupid as well. And at the same time, incapable to think. Or maybe it's false hopes.

I'm not sure if it's related but tonight's chat with her made me moody, dejected and depressed. She lamented abt me being long winded and asked me to get to the point. Couple that with the hopes I had of a 'brighter' future, I suddenly felt saddened but how things turned or might turn out. Now I feel stupid to have hoped. Dumb to have let my guards down. I wondered to myself if I had retained how I was, somewhat weary, cynical and preparing for the unknown, I would've prevented myself from feeling this way. I'd have managed to filter everything. I'd have let the comment slide, wouldn't think so negatively ahout it and probably fuck her for it. Things would've heated up, and won't go very well. I'd feel fucked up but least I don't feel depressed about things.

Depression, I feel, is a funny thing. Not so much on the mental disorder but in general I guess. To me anyway, it feels nostalgic. Go figure. To me, depression is a stage in my life. Or was anyway. And to feel it again, to feel my moods down, to feel fucked at myself feels like I'm re-living a period of my life. But a period I thought I had put behind.

Cynicism is a way of battling depression. it is MY way anyway. I removed the possiblity of senseless hope and filled it with the possibility that shit will always happen. One way or another. Obviously hope can't survive in this sorta enviroment.

She was someone I had hoped I could be weak with, in her arms. Someone I could rely on when i felt the world was against me. But right now, after that line from her, all hopes and wishes came crumbling down because gone were those 'happy thoughts' but replaced with thought of negativity of how lousy I am. A sense of foolishness now for even thinkin that way.

But in my bout of negative thinkin, I somehow blamed myself for my failure in trying to make her a better through the years of trying and in actuallity was counter productive. I remind myself of all the times she could've been better, I saw it my fault for her not being so, simply because, i failed to remedy a fault in her which i know should be corrected. To me it seemed anyway.

This whole incident reminded me of the frist time I experieneced her 'wrath'. I was shocked, traumatised and in distraught cos I never experienced it and was at a loss of how to respond. Again, today, rather than my usual defence mechanism kickin in, I just stepped back, unprepared, unknown to what had hit me.

And now, I'm in limbo. Where do i go now. Hope or cynicism?