DREAMZ SEEM SO FAR AWAY

Funny, no one's barely online (hah?) at this time now. So strange, but maybe not so strange seein it's a sunday morning. People prob start strollin in around noon. anyway, fell asleep wif the shocking realisation tt a DSLR is so bloody fuckin expensive. I tried calculating how much and how long it'd take me to save up enought money for it.

This morning when I woke up, the last thought in my head sorta spilled over to the first (other than the funny dream I had tt a particular gal stayed in the same estate n i was somewhat happy got person to go gai gai with) and I it dawned on me that the journey to my dream is not gonna be an easy one, neither is it gonna be easy to understand to others.

My bro half expects me to go uni and right now, when I think about, I feel that money would be wasted on me and I'm not comfy with takin my parents' money anymore. Least, till I get a job. I somehow feel that if it were left to me and my own money, I would take that money, and get some decent equipment and get myself the much needed experience. But this is somewhat a very tricky decision to make cos somehow, everyone (maybe they're right to think so) seems to think that I have and need to get that degree. What I wonder is if the degree would do me any good at all. Most have the mentality that get the degree first then think later. If the degree serves its purpose in giving me the experience that I need than by all means, that'd be the way to go but my bro's suggesting applyin to NTU's com studies which might not be the place I want to go. but it might be too quick to dismiss that now as I have yet to check out their syllabus.

I find it funny and more so, interesting how our dreams have all evolved since we were young. When we were kids, stuff like policemen, scientist, doctor and all the likes are seemed so easy to mouth out, but now, we face reality and somehow, that ease and innocence is no longer there. We become more realistic and choose to do things we know and are sure will guarantee survival. I quesiton myself if the route to go is to go to something more mainstream, something not so hard to break into. But somehow, I don't think it would be easy for me to do it. I can't imagine myself being a doctor, an engineer, a businessman or any of the noble jobs. I never imagined myself to be any of those. Instead, I thot that I would do things that was somewhat more hands and allowed more flexibity rather than limited to the confines of rules. I wanted something tt allowed me break the rules and be applauded or recognised for it. (Quite often, I forget that I need to know the rules before breakin them)

I wanted a job that gave me the freedom or the ability to allow me to express myself or express how others felt. I loved the theatre. Maybe due to my mom's early exposure to it for me (sounds wrong). I always loved the stage (not sayin I don't get stage frights) as I felt it more personal and closer compared to watching a film which is why if I am able to immerse myself in a film enough, that film stays with me. :)

[Just helped my grandad out of the toilet after bathing. It's really heartbreakin to see him to have degenerated to such a stage. I guess, day to day seeing him in bed isn't that bad as he doesn't really do anything, but when I have to help him along, seeing him struggle, it's painful. I dunno why, somehow, wanted to take a photo of him, not because I wanted to glorify anything but to capture that moment of fragility. But somehow, I didn't feel that it was right as some will see it a sign of disrespect. Once told her if I ever I were to degenerate to any darn state, just let me go. Some may say tt it's best to use the remainin times to catch up on things, but somehow, just can't bear to burden the people around me for a lossless cause]

I still dream of dancing. But it's something I never really considered that seriously. I did pose the question to some, askin what if I told them I were to take dancin as a profession after I grad, and well, there were mix responses. Some were shocked or just thot I was joking. But anyway, it's something I'd wanna take seriously one day but somehow, that goals seems further away compared to the one I'm sorta on the track for.

I had a look at some of Russel Wong's works yesterday at Border's. I now understand what makes him a somewhat unique individual. Mayb not the only one to do so but still, he has my admiration. First that I know in any case. In his pictures, somehow, there is a sense of naturalness and emotion that he managed to capture in his film. I find that amazing. To me, photojournalism was something that really brought out the emotions of a scene, moment or event but for Russel Wong, it ain't the case, he amalgamates that same trait of photojournalism execpt the difference is he creates the mood, the moment for his sudjects. He instils emotion, through his shot, and through his subjects. I have no idea what he tells them but somehow, they have lesser conciousness of the camera and they're not just there, plainly posing, it's something personal, unlike those cover shoots where everyone is just plain emotionless. I find that very amazing. I really wish I haf the opportunity to meet up wif him next week. It's just amazing.

Anyway, I realised that I am very far from my goal if i were to seriously consider photography. I thot tt the DSLR would be the way to go till I found out how crazily ex it was and I'm wondering how long it would take me to even earn that much for the cam. But i guess I have to. Right now, I'm still deliberating, like everyone else, what to do after graduation. Part time or full time where. Assistant where. My choices are really colour/developing lab assistant, camera assisant, studio assistant.... My main concern is if I do go full gear (refuse to use full on) into earning the money i need to fulfill my dreams/goals, i might not have the time to pursue what I truly want. Sigh... money does make the world go round doesn't it? :( Decisions decisions decisions. :( Quick, if anyone has money and lookin for investment, invest in me!!!! :>

One thing she has to be admired for is how she puts up with my eccentricities n unusual choices of jobs. Was at border's readin up on Russel Wong and she was just standing beside me, lookin on, then walking around then carry on lookin on. Then I was sorta lamenting about him to her but somehow seemed like to myself but hey, not tt i'm really tt bothered, i love how i sound? :p But anyway, just read around some of the stuff in borders. Can imagine myself, after I grad, spending a whole day reaidn up stuff at bookstores and libraries. Can't expect myself to have the money to buy everything I wanna read. It's gonna be a miserly life after I grad.

Anyway, enuff of ranting, it's time for me to get to work. Take care all. Lucks with your job and aspirations. I'll catch up with you guys soon and vin, hang in there. It's an obstacle which you will soon overcome. We are have faith in ya. :)