Support, inspiration, motivation.

It was a long week battle between me and her. One which probably was made big because of me. And for once, I just wanted to throw caution to the wind and not care because I always felt that that was the way she did things. And I was angry that I was made 2nd rated to someone I didn't know. Last evening's big finale ended the dispute and thankfully, there was a resolution after the finale else the posting would be very different from what it is now.

Admittedly, there have been times when i did drastic & extreme things which didn't do the relationship any good at all (it's not exactly what some of u might be thinkin so don't try). But during those times, I always thot it was for the better for her. Don't think anyone can really understand that. Most tell me to let her think for herself but somehow, I find it hard to allow that to happen, esp when I think otherwise. And when the end comes near, I blame myself for not having had the courage to something about it earlier.

It's a funny process about all things that start and end. Nearing it's end, all one thinks of were all the bad things that ever happened. But when everything's over, and things set in, all one thinks about are all the good things that ever happened. But what needed or needs to be done, needs to be done for the better, despite how difficult it is. And sometimes I wonder I was wrong in doing all I did, before and after. Irregardless how things turn out now or later, I'm still gonna feel that it was wrong to have done what I did. Sometimes feel I'm messed up that way.

In some way, I'm quite glad we talked things out, not in the best way but least we know more or less how each other feels and at the same time, reflectin on the actions we should take after 'discussions'.

Sometimes, because of how she is, I end up needing to clean up a lot of the mess or least feel obliged to and maybe at the end of the day, I should just let things be and if shit happens then let it. Afterall, she is old enough to do things on her own and see things for herself but yet I find it hard cos she always lets things get ahead of her. People might question why am I so quick to judge but the fact is that it is something she and I agrees so it's just not me but simply a fact. The fault in me prob lies in me assumin that it is always the case and I prob should have to consider every other situation that comes along.

Next Monday will be our 2 yr anniversary. Feels like such a long time but yet, dunno if 2 years is a testament of a long or short time. Through this time, I can't say times have always been bad. There were always redeemin moment tho often, I nvr write anything about it. When I think back, when the good things get going, it's really good. Even spending the day lazin around at home is nvr dull. True it might seem monotonous but somehow, I can't imagine it with anybody else. Us always tryin to figure out what to do next (hecne the thot of the PS2) and what to eat. It's almost become a thing of ours where she's always proposin places to eat and me always astonished by her suggestions. but somehow, it's not something I would want to do away with. Also, her occasional obesession to drink is just all so amusing. Tho I need to keep her in check else, she'd be pukin all over the floor.

Some people have noticed that I'm less of a feeling intuitive person nowadays compared to how I was before. I've lost that spark where I'd allow for and do crazy things for the one I loved. I used to do that. I haven't really noticed it that much in my daily life. But when they say since when did I become this way, I start to wonder as well. I'm defintely more cynical, practical and pragmatic nowadays. Being more calculative with things. In the past, the trait of mine was that of a romantic and these days, this trait doesn't seem to be very strong and apparant. In the past where i might pass off as a SNAG but nowadays, I see myself more of a cynical bastard. Maybe it's what life has dealt me that has made me this way. Spoke to a friend a friend who had the same views on it. Reasoned it with her that it's prob because it was the easier way to lead things. We're prepared for the shit that life has to dish us cos it's easier when shit comes our way, we're prepared and won't be so blind sided. And when things do go our way, we're more appreciative of it. but no neccesarily the case. Sometimes, we are blind to the beauty of things around us, being too pragmatic about things and inevitably, affecting the decisions we make and the way we view things. Retrospectively, the other side of the spectrum is not any good either cos tho happiness is never far away from your sight, the hurt hits u harder when shit comes along. I guess for me, between the two, i'd choose the former more cos in the past, when i was more sentimental and emotional, I hated the hurt that came with disappointment and when I found myself more prepared for shit, disappointments were easier to handle.

But long term, I guess, it takes its tolls on us and we become more jaded and lose hope on the things we are working or fighting towards. Strangely enuff i noe that and I am glad that times when i feel jaded, there are things and people that make me feel otherwise. Sometimes, even if it's not people, it's moments i witness when i'm out alone that touches a nerve in my heart. but these moments are few and rare. And it's not long before i revert to the protective nature i am. We all deal with things in our own way I guess and from some friends, I've learnt tt you can't really debunk what the other does cos it's just his way of doing things and he's happy the way it is. I have friends who help others endlessly to the extent of being taken for granted. And tho I have told them otherwise, they will still do it cos it is in their nature and when i do try to advice them wif my crap, it somehow seems offensive. So i guess, the conclusion would be, everyone's aware of how n what they are and the shit that they go through (some anyway), and one shouldn't try too hard to try to change their thinkin.

There are some people I come across who inspire, some friends, others, people I encounter. They all spark me to start or continue something I want to do. I dunno if it is strange tt she doesn't invoke the same spark that others do. But I guess everyone has their own purpose in my life and maybe it isn't her purpose in my life. She is my base and support. And besides tt, there isn't really anything else i need from her. Now, I am a horrid person to have as support but a very good base to fall back upon on. I just hope this base doesn't snap. Maybe the key to the relationship is really finding each other's purpose in each other's life, as well, each other's own purpose and how we can supplement it. These are things I never really thot abt, neither is it something we think and talk about. Sure, we talk casually on what we want to do but never really how we can help each other to achieve if at all possible. We'll know whe this comes into the weekly discussions we have, or least, i'm hopin to have a anyway.

The road trip to malaysia last week was quite a productive one for me on a personal level. It allowed me to think about myself (briefly) and also my future and what not. I'm quite set on going into the photo line, be it, photography or post photography (if sucha term exsits) but I'm very sure photography will be part of my life in the future. What made me respark my passion for it was when I was havin a conversation/debate about film versus digital and printing all the shots or the nice ones. Obviously, the former would be more ex and the latter, the more economical. But I lamented that to me, photography is all about seeing your beauty shots, as well as your mistakes and to me, tt was the essence of what photgraphy is about. Be it mistakes within the shot or mistakes on takin the shot, it's all part of the learning curve to takin the next better picture. Of cos, in reality, you can't always have that as economics can never be discounted. But this discussion as well as other constituents in the conversation (like how the feeling of opening up the yellow packet to see you film -for kodak) made me realise how much i felt for photography. It is truly my dream to one day be a successful photographer in my own right and if possible to others as well.

Anyway, I've typed on long enough and I'm somewhat losing the feel of the entry. I'll write more when I got the feel and time as well. Take care all and thank you to everyone who has been there for me one way or another, even when you don't know it. Take care, love ya all. :)