Finally went KL to Jay Zhou wif her. I couldn't really figure out why I was pissed with her really but I somehow felt that needed to. It was somehow something I needed to do. So through the whole trip, there were bouts of 'buay song'ness but I did try to be as normal as I could durin which some moments, I forgot I was still pissed with her. I had told her that I was still angry with her and that I'll only tell her why after the trip and that for now, just accept things the way they were and enjoy it.

I didn't really enjoy the trip. I guess maybe I didn't really have the mentality to go for a trip in the first place and that I didn't really want to be on it. But strangely enough, the only way she coul've gotten me to go on a trip is possibly such an 'urgent' reason. Else, I'm not really that interested in going travelling in Asean countries and since i'm not very much rollin in money, I'm pretty much stuck to singapore or beach resorts. and since the tsunami thing, that's pretty much outta the question as it is. One of the reasons I think i was pissed was cause I felt I was forsakin the PS2 (which I really wanted to get for the both of us to play) for some person I didn't really know. And in that sense, I found the reason to M'sia somewhat a selfish one on her part. The trip only served to fulfil one person's desire and not both which was what the PS2 was supposed to be. In some sense, the trip sorta made me change my perception on a lot of things and made me realise some things which I should be doing or rather, shouldn't be doing so much and mayb at all for somehow I feel that it's taken for granted for.

Granted that in the past, i've never realli considered much to her requests for items, stuff, and so other wild ideas of hers. True, it adds spice to the mundane day at times but somehow, the mundane days are enough for me. Some might think it cool to have such a happenin gf. I guess it's subjective and varies from person to person and for me, it doesn't always appeal to me. Then we have a problem where someone is enthu to do something, while the other is sometimes obliging, sometimes isn't. Most of the time, I oblige because I can't bear to see her mope around. Other times, I try to be firm in my decision simply because I really don't feel like it. And this time's trip was one I really didn' feel like it. To go on a 1 day trip to see him and back, and also needin to rush a production. Rest was the last thing I had at the end of the day.

Now that I'm back, I wonder to myself, what was I so pissed about. Tho the feeling's subsided, I somehow feel that I need to blast her for the sake of it cos I feel that that was taken away from me because I didn't want to spoil the trip for her. And i question myself why I do it for, surpress it just for her when she at times has no qualms in releasin her wrath upon me.

I wrote a hate letterliterally. It stated all the things I hated about everything from her, and what she did, what she neglected and how it made me feel through some events, makin feel down with myself which somehow I attributed to her anyway. Now, of course when I think about, some bits were somewhat forgiveable which should be taken out of the list but the anguish in me is somehow not soothed. It's still a cold war now with me headin it. I really don't know what to do about it. I need answers from her and stupidly, it's a waiting game. Who's to know, maybe I'm the one in the wrong. But one thing I realised after an incident, and this is the second time this has happened, which I often forget. We are individuals with different perceptions and different way of doing things, different appeals and different methodologies. Strangely enough, I seem to forget that at crucial moments which leads to disastrous after thots and inevitably leading to the slums.

There are some things in life one doesn't forget. And in the life of a relationship, some faults that aren't easily forgotten.

Somehow, I feel that I've been too obliging. But whoever said that's bad right? Well, when I somehow feel tired and unappreciated. I ain't that selfless a person and I can't always live on the satisfaction that it's the right thing to do. I'm not that kinda person. And somehow, this trip has realli tipped the scale severly makin me wonder how it happened and had i given the wrong impression.

Anyway, I don't have much time to process stuff now. I'm due for a shoot in half hour's time, and this is after I spent the whole day packing my room. And after I'm done for the shoot through the night, it's back to school in the noon tomorrow for editing and prob till night as well. I feel like clubbing. Actually, i just feel like drinkin myself silly and let things out. Dun really feel like tt but just feel lotsa tings pent up and just wannna drink. Maybe tomorrow I'll take out the tequilla. But drinkin alone somehow feels very sad to me. Ah well.

Toasts...



Everything
by Stereo Fuse
Album

I remember you
do you remember me too
born on the 14th of July
the smell of roses made her cry
though you're going far from home
rest assured you're not alone

Cause I would give everything that I own
I'd give you my heart and this skin and these bones
the sun the moon the Earth the sky
I've never even stopped to wonder why
I would do anything
and I would give everything
to be your everything

Seems like such a long long time
since your body crossed my mind
but I think that you should know
it wasn't I who had to go

Cause I would give everything that I own
I'd give you my love and this heart made of stone
the sun the moon the Earth the sky
the motorcycle that I like to ride
I would do anything
and I would give everything
to be your everything

But if ever you should stray
just sing along and I will play
or look into your hands
I'm slipping through them like a tiny grain of sand

I remember you
do you remember me too
seems like such a long long time
since I held you near and called you mine

Cause I would give everything that I own
I'd give you my heart and this skin and these bones
the sun the moon the Earth the sky
a brand new car that you and I could drive
I would do anything
and I would give everything
to be your everything