WHO AM I?

I don't know who i am anymore. Used to be so sure but now, i'm left with questions of who i was and am now. Had a moral dilema last night but didn't really get to the end of tt.

These 2 weeks kinda feel so cloud 9ish with Amy but it all came crashing down today in the usual fashion. She was pissed with me for being so wishy washy abt watching movie tonight. Tried to make it happen but realised i couldn't really do it cos I had to complete the paperedit for doc pro for christine. She wasn't so happy abt the wishy washy bit like can then cannot. I was so volatile and kinda felt so cheated because it seemed she ddin't understand. I started going all girly abt the whole thing. Was kinda sad she wasn't sensitive abt me going through a rough patch. I might be unreasonable when I kinda expected her to sense tt I was sad n confused abt things but she just kept hacking away on her keyboard. I really couldn't stand it no more and I shouted "COS YOU DON'T FREAKIN CARE" when she had asked me consistently with her prior one worded sentence... Why? It happened so fast I was not aware if it happened or not... I was so raged I had no idea whether I really shouted it out or not. And I still am unsure but after that we put down the fone (long story cut short). Somehow feel it's gettin back at me for not helpin her in her time of need where most of the time I thot realistically tt I was not able to help her but she probably thought I was just trying to skive. I will never know. BUt I felt so hurt by her 'bo chup' attitude. But she ain't the only one with work. All I wanted was some care, concern and attention. I msged her tt I wished she was more sensitive. Funnily enough, I wasn't one who was aways sensitive with my comments but I try to be with feelings. Like try to detect how the person is feeling tho sometimes what i say might not seem that way. Mayb she's sore when I told her I felt so cheated when I started having this naive and innocent thinkin of the relationship and all came crumbling down after her black face. I said tt mayb i should adopt how i used to be. Least I was more resistent to shit thrown by her. BUt mayb she felt hurt as she might have been the innocent all this time in the relationship and realised I wasn't always so. And mayb she just felt I deserved my just desserts. And if tt's the case, she did a darn freakin job at it. But if she wished tt I was as well, she just blew a chance at it. Cos feel so apprehensive to commit so much now...

Jos, it's funny how we talk about innocence and all and wwonder if it was guilt we were talking about and mayb how i really am is how i really was in the past. But yet with shit like this happening, I can't help but think, mayb following up the temptation mentality might be the less hurting way to go.

The ones you love really hurt you the most.

I nowadays am at my wits end. Who and what am i really? It was nice to be able to believe the niceness of things in this world but yet I hardened up as time went by. And when I thought it would be nice to soften up again, dear ol life in the name of amy had to deal me a blow again and I wonder, the new was stronger then the old. Silly silly me.

Excuse the despressive entry. I hope you guys find more solace in your lives then I do now cos I currently dun noe who am i anymore.