Lotsa couples breakin up these days. there's J n other half, there's P n other half, n prob another handful which I'm not remembering now. One couple mutually agreed to go seperate ways since they had different objectives or directions in life. I find myself wondering this as well.

Her objective in life is to ultimately settle wif a better half while my life is to fulfil what I wanna fulfil in my life and somehow, settling down ain't the top of my list. I'm not discounting it as somethign I don't wan eventually but not in the next few years for that matter. not till i have settled what I wanna settle whatever it might be. I think she's insecure about us simply because I might be a repeat of her ex where he didn't seem to be going anywhere in his life while I was somewhat under a minor spotlight yesterday going in the direciton of where my Dip is gonna bring me. She sorta muttered 'no difference' or something to the extent which made me wonder if it was pertainin to the lack of a future in my own life. She seemed somewhat skeptical that I was plannin to rely on my dip for my future or wad I wanted to do was somewhat related to my dip. I guess, for her, she sees that there might not be any future or potential in what I wanna do. Of course, her going on about how sometimes can't rely on passion which I guess is a fair warning for me. I guess we all want to do something we like so that work doesn't really seem like work. But I also understand that sometimes, we need to do things we don't like to do for mere survival and for me, I don't want to do that yet so soon before I can even experience something i like. I wonder to myself now if I am being too spoilt in doing this. Being too luxurious in this.

I wonder more each day where my relationship will go. I never really thot much about it cos simply if I did, I might be pessismistic about it. And recent events haven't really made it any better. Meet ups are nice but somehow I feel that it's superficial cos if you were to look at it my detailedly, you'd find the cracks within. I never understood why a significant someone saw that it could work out. I wonder if this person saw the whole picture like the cracks within. More than once I've tried to break off without success cos always, I relanted cos my reasons weren't solid enough and at the end of the day, I still see it as selfish on my part. My intentions were supposed to be good whether known or not, understood or not. I still feel she would be happier with someone who could provide more than I could ever cos in terms of our paths in the future, it is very different and for me to ask her to stick with me would not be unfair but according to her, let her decide tt for her self. I guess, I think I sorta know that it would amount to that sooner or later and wanted to prepare for it cos now, when talks of futures are concerned, it seems bleak to her cos of my blurred future. Where I will go after graduation and a yr after is still a mystery.

I used to think that she would be happier with somewhat who was more settled down (that was before I promised to stop finding reasons to break off and stupidly, I do keep to my promises) cos he would be able to provide more but somehow she says otherwise. But yet, now, it seems different.

Many things are different now. I feel that I'm not so objective towards what she does (which some might see it as not caring) and I actually feel that way. I'm actually conciously tellin myself not to bother to prevent any side effects like changing her too much. So against better judgement, I'm allowing her to commit mistakes which I should be tellin her not to. Someone would tell me I'm doing this all wrong and mayb I am. I do think things far but somehow, in this aspect, I can't think of anything more complex but a more direct way of solvin a problem, bo chup.

Anyway, she's waiting for me now and I best get back to her. I'll see you all soon. Miss hanging out wif the guys.